Article 3: Key 3: Boundaries and Limitations: Setting your personal and spiritual boundaries are imperative, and not to be confused with the concept of limiting beliefs that impede your progress or otherwise hold you back. What you accept and/or tolerate teaches others how they can treat you; and how you feel about yourself will determine those boundaries, not to mention be reflected back to you by the Law of Attraction (Mirroring). Your tendencies bring in more of the same. The teachers you bring in test your boundaries, and hopefully, you then recognize where you need to establish or fortify the limits on what you will bear or not. At some point you will realize just how much you are willing to take, how far you are willing to go, before something must change.
What must change is your indoctrinated belief systems and programs that cause your tendencies to lack boundaries. Ruiz talks about this his book, The Four Agreements, in some length. The process of indoctrination, what he calls the domestication of humans is the surrender of our personal beliefs, truth, and power by agreement. We diminish our personal power with each negative agreement we make, that we accept as truth; and this leads us to reject ourselves, not believe in or even recognize our true nature. When we reject, or at least deny ourselves, we cause self-abuse and that inner feeling is reflected back to our physical reality via the Law of Attraction.
You are accountable for the way life treats you, and that includes how people treat you. Allowing others to take advantage of you in any way, or to try to please everyone even when it means self-sacrifice, is handing over your power. Energy flows where your attention goes, and if you focus all your energy on others you have none left for you; and it is you that creates your subjective reality. How you allow others to treat you is a reflection of your own self-worth, and that is mirrored in your reality. You must assume responsibility and stand up for yourself, not blame, not play victim, not fall into “poor me” thinking, and definitely not rationalize that any of this is OK. “In your life nobody has abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else.” Don Miguel Ruiz
You do have to know yourself in order to really know what your boundaries are, and often you will not realize your own boundaries until these teachers cross them. Knowing yourself, as discussed in the key of Accountability, means that you recognize your divine value and power, that feelings of being a victim, not loved, not good enough, abused, etc. are not acceptable, to you as a person much less as a being of Light. “When you feel yourself becoming angry, resentful, or exhausted, pay attention to where you haven’t set a healthy boundary.” Crystal Andrus
This key also includes the concept of righteous anger that is usually an indicator that you have been silent for too long, that you have held back your words, suppressed your feelings, not expressed what you truly thought, or have just been in denial, until finally you just reach that point of “enough.” This righteous anger is your right, but must be channeled in positive and productive ways to avoid becoming negative. It may rise out of a long-standing repetitive situation or a single incident, but is almost always a strong reaction to some sort of lie, injustice, or wrong-doing, usually done to you by another person; but can be something you observe done to others outside yourself.
This anger may manifest when you are on the receiving end of some egregious act by another person; but it can rise up when you see wrong-doing by some person to another person, group, or animal (which more than likely mirrors something back to you to observe and explore). You may feel this anger when you realize that your indoctrinated beliefs have been wrong and have actually been working against you, which is a sign you are evolving and expanding. You then must recognize that the sources of this learned behavior was only passing down what they knew, and you forgive them accordingly. You may feel anger at yourself for buying into the negative programs and paradigms passed down to you; again, it’s all you knew at the time and you are now aware and working toward your own truth. Forgive yourself and move on. We are all wounded and damaged to some extent, and we have been raised by wounded and damaged people. Hind sight is always 20-20, so take back your power and establish new beliefs and boundaries for yourself.
The easiest workaround for this righteous anger issue, and to begin asserting your own power again, is to first make the decision that you are going to initiate self-change, that you are either going to change the situation or rise above it (allowing others to their free will choices and own lessons which will be discussed in more detail shortly). You now have that divine lens through which to observe the situation, and you know that you must now speak your truth, express your thoughts, and draw some hard lines. Stand up for yourself, but within your limitations.
By limitations, I mean that you can still stand firmly without being totally disagreeable; you can still compromise a mutually acceptable arrangement, you can articulate your feelings without being harsh or abrasive. I love the book, The Four Agreements. The first Agreement is to be impeccable with your word. Choose your words. Say what you mean and mean what you say, but also remember that what you zing out there will return to you. Do no harm, but take no shit. The idea of your limitations can also be summarized as this: you must not interfere with another person’s free will or lesson.
Those of you who are “Rescuers” or “Enablers” must be aware that over-helping someone, allowing them to become overly reliant on you, over-protecting them, or not being able to so “no” can actually be detrimental to you and a spiritual disservice to the one you are “helping.” The Rescuers an Enablers are often just acting on their need to be needed, and/or a need to control; neither of which is a positive thing. The person you are helping may rely on you too much, so they are not being accountable for their own actions or reality. This is what is being reflected back to you.
This overly reliant behavior may stem from lack thinking, not believing in themselves, or let’s face it, just laziness and avoidance of their responsibility. The more you enable them to continue bad behavior, the more likely they will just continue without effort to change. They will not face their own accountability for their reality. Of course I am not referring to those who have physical, mental, or medical conditions that are beyond their control; but to those who could overcome their situation on their own without draining you in their process.
At some point you must love yourself and them enough to draw the line and just say “no more.” Never give until it hurts, when it begins to deplete you in any way, when it is to your detriment or sacrifice or when you know you should not. This speaks to any aspect of your resources; your time, health, money, emotions, etc. You cannot pour from an empty cup. This is not being selfish (although you are likely to be accused of that), it is being self-protecting. You are of no help to anyone if you are depleted, not even yourself. If you really want to help them then teach them the same lesson you are learning (as they are your mirror), to be accountable and to establish boundaries and limits. Teach them to fish, not just take your fish. You are teaching them an invaluable lesson to be self sufficient, and that leads to self esteem and personal self-empowerment.
The “Controllers” out there must also learn to let go of some things or they will just wear themselves out (self depletion) believing they must do it all, or for it to be done right they have to do it. Delegating can be a liberating experience and frees up your time to do other things; it can actually increase your overall productivity. So put some limits on yourself on how much you need to “control” everything. Again, the other person is mirroring something back to you. Ease up on the restrictions you put on others and expand your boundaries. Be their teacher on this one, allow them and let them learn more authority and responsibility. You will be helping yourself and them. A shaman knows that he-she can only “control” through allowing.
Then there is the second of the four Agreements, never take anything personally. You won’t be angry, hurt, or resentful when you realize that your offender is only mirroring something to you for a learning experience; and that they have their own lessons to learn. We touched on this in the first key of Accountability, when you can reach of point of gratitude over forgiveness. Let’s continue: the third Agreement, to never make assumptions, and this ties into the first Agreement of keeping your word impeccable. Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. Don Miguel Ruiz
When you begin to love yourself enough to set some hard boundaries, when you stop being a doormat, when you refuse to continue to bail out or save or rescue others, when you learn to say “no” you may also experience some of these people in your life fall away. If you are no longer their primary source, when they cannot overly rely on you any more, when they now face their own accountability, they may just move on to another source. So, do not take this personally either; they made their choice. You led them to a point where they could choose to make changes or continue the same negative path. If they choose the latter then they no longer “vibe” with you. Only matching vibrations can share the same space.
I know this may sound harsh, and can be a hard habit to break, but you must keep your focus on self and self-heath and self-protection. So here is the fourth Agreement; always do your best. Just do what you can with what you have, but do not self-sacrifice. You are not here to be in service or to be a martyr. You are not here to hand over your power to another person or thing; if anything, you are here to help them understand their own power. Sadly, many people do not want that responsibility, so when you take that power away, they go away to find another power source.
Speaking about the Controllers I alluded to broadening your boundaries, easing up on some of your personal restrictions. On the other hand, placing limitations on yourself can often bring out some of your strengths that you do not even realize you have. By saying “no” you realize that you do have power, it may boost your self-confidence. Telling yourself “no” is the first step in self-discipline toward self-improvement. For example, managing weight, going to the gym, working on your self-image, breaking old habits, or even gaining your own independence rather than relying on some external source. Is that not exactly what you would hope to do for the one you are helping? Mirrors.
Boundaries and limitations are not restrictive, but selective and empowering. They speak to your self-respect and value. They speak to you actually stepping out into your power and what you really desire, to live life by your design and not by default. They are about loving yourself, protecting yourself, honoring your SELF, and becoming the best possible version of yourself. By becoming the best you, you are of more help to others, you send out more positive signals to the Universe which then reciprocates and sends more positive to you. The more you have the more you can share, so fill your cup.
Setting boundaries is not the same thing as building walls or erecting barriers to separate or isolate. Robert Frost wrote in the poem “Mending Wall” that “Good fences make good neighbors.” Boundaries are all about you, setting limits to what you will allow, but also allowing some latitude to others when approaching those boundaries. Boundaries in the right form are actually a mutually beneficial arrangement. You are in control, you set the limits, you set the consequences for violating those limits. This is not control of others, it is about control of your self and your space. It also keeps your space from overlapping into that of other people, and any “good neighbor” will respect the fences you put up.
Articulate you boundaries clearly with no room for assumptions, and reinforce them with actions. Respond, do not react. You might certainly explain the limits you set, but you should never have to defend them. You should never have to apologize or feel guilty about setting healthy boundaries and self-protecting. As Annie Lamott wrote, “’No’ is a complete sentence.” Anyone who wishes to stay in your life, who is part of your tribe, will respect those boundaries. The more someone complains about your boundaries evinces the necessity for those boundaries in the first place.
Setting boundaries is not only healthy and smart, they are necessary. Continue to give, but refuse to be used. Help, but refuse to enable and do what you can to teach; also, be sure to stay in your lane. Love, but refuse to be abused or taken advantage of. Boundaries empower you, they can define you, and enable you to stay on your path free of any external source or influence, positive or negative. A lack of boundaries just invites discourtesy and expectations. Boundaries enable you to more effectively manage your energy and well-being, not to mention your reality.
Look at it this way; by setting boundaries, you are asserting your personal power and setting standards for yourself.
Raise the bar ya’ll.
Until next time...
Steve
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